I'm trying. It's just hard to know what's the best thing to do, in a situation like this.
I keep thinking I should be doing something more, taking some kind of leading role. But every attempt I make to step up to do something seems to result in more conflict instead of less.
[ He sniffles, wipes his eyes, trying to stop the tears and put himself in order. ]
Boss, do you think I'm weak? I've done everything I could to become strong enough to deal with this situation, and I've done everything I could to put myself into a situation to make sure that no one faded out or starved. But I still feel like everyone thinks I'm too weak to be trusted.
No. I don't think you're weak. I don't think anyone who's made it here as long as some of us have is weak.
[Joseph thinks he himself is weak, but that's a whole other can of worms.]
I know how it feels for people to make judgments about you and treat you accordingly. How people get an idea of you in their heads and decide that that's who you are, even if it has no basis in who you really are.
It's frustrating, and annoying. But there's little more to do about it than to keep trying to prove them wrong.
[ There's a big sigh of relief. There are so few of them who have been here all along left, really. And Mikado knows that shouldn't matter so much to him, but it kind of does. Maybe even more since he fell out with Monty, and everything that happened with Cecil. His shoulders slump, but it's more a release of tension than anything. ]
It just feels like it never ends.
[ He takes a couple of deep breaths, rubs at his eyes some more. ]
I just feel like I can't get anything started. I really like making things. It makes me feel helpful to be able to make sure that no one goes hungry or misses something they need. But some days it feels a little like not enough.
I know how you feel, feeling stuck in a rut like that.
But it's one of those things that I don't think is easy to see. Try to imagine what it would look like around here if we weren't donating our time and our energy. If we didn't make food and clothes for people who need them. If we charged, if we demanded payment or recompense for it all.
I like what we have now a lot better than anything I can imagine along those lines.
I know you're right. That would be really terrible. No one deserves to go hungry, and I still don't like the idea of anyone having to do sexual things in exchange, or use powers that are fueled off it, not directly like that.
It's just not very flashy though. It's really easy to kind of fade into the background of everyday life. It's not that I want everyone to pay attention all the time, I'm not saying that! But it just feels kind of weird to go from everything back home to this, especially when the community is kind of... umm...
I'm trying to think of a word that doesn't mean "everyone is absolutely insane and unstable" and failing.
[Joseph's wry sense of humor makes a brief appearance.]
It is hard, sometimes, when your way of helping others isn't very obvious or people don't recognize its importance. Or especially when you're villainized for it.
I try hard to put it in that perspective, though. If nobody was doing what I do, what would the world look like?
Well it might be missing some things but it'd be really organized..?
[ He bites his lip again, though, looking a little sheepish. ]
Um... thanks, boss. It really helps to know I'd be missed even if it's more in a professional way than a personal one. And... knowing that you have my back even when I sometimes make a mess of things really helps...
By color, shape, size, item name, and probably weight. And nobody could take anything until I was done. It's better this way.
[Phew. Well, he doesn't know where to touch on Mikado's personal drama (and doesn't really want to, from the sounds of it) but he's glad he could help somehow.]
I'm glad to hear it. Please don't be afraid to come to me if you need to talk or vent, even if it is about me. I'd rather listen to you than let you stew in it. That goes for Sebastian too, of course.
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no subject
I keep thinking I should be doing something more, taking some kind of leading role. But every attempt I make to step up to do something seems to result in more conflict instead of less.
[ He sniffles, wipes his eyes, trying to stop the tears and put himself in order. ]
Boss, do you think I'm weak? I've done everything I could to become strong enough to deal with this situation, and I've done everything I could to put myself into a situation to make sure that no one faded out or starved. But I still feel like everyone thinks I'm too weak to be trusted.
no subject
[Joseph thinks he himself is weak, but that's a whole other can of worms.]
I know how it feels for people to make judgments about you and treat you accordingly. How people get an idea of you in their heads and decide that that's who you are, even if it has no basis in who you really are.
It's frustrating, and annoying. But there's little more to do about it than to keep trying to prove them wrong.
no subject
It just feels like it never ends.
[ He takes a couple of deep breaths, rubs at his eyes some more. ]
I just feel like I can't get anything started. I really like making things. It makes me feel helpful to be able to make sure that no one goes hungry or misses something they need. But some days it feels a little like not enough.
Do you really think it's enough that I do that?
no subject
But it's one of those things that I don't think is easy to see. Try to imagine what it would look like around here if we weren't donating our time and our energy. If we didn't make food and clothes for people who need them. If we charged, if we demanded payment or recompense for it all.
I like what we have now a lot better than anything I can imagine along those lines.
no subject
It's just not very flashy though. It's really easy to kind of fade into the background of everyday life. It's not that I want everyone to pay attention all the time, I'm not saying that! But it just feels kind of weird to go from everything back home to this, especially when the community is kind of... umm...
I'm trying to think of a word that doesn't mean "everyone is absolutely insane and unstable" and failing.
no subject
[Joseph's wry sense of humor makes a brief appearance.]
It is hard, sometimes, when your way of helping others isn't very obvious or people don't recognize its importance. Or especially when you're villainized for it.
I try hard to put it in that perspective, though. If nobody was doing what I do, what would the world look like?
no subject
[ Good job, Joseph, you made him laugh. He might look a little soggy still, but much better. ]
And I guess you're right. And there are enough people here we need everyone we can get to help, right? So if I stopped, it would be a problem.
no subject
[He smirks just a little bit.]
Your help has been invaluable. Remember that.
no subject
Well it might be missing some things but it'd be really organized..?
[ He bites his lip again, though, looking a little sheepish. ]
Um... thanks, boss. It really helps to know I'd be missed even if it's more in a professional way than a personal one. And... knowing that you have my back even when I sometimes make a mess of things really helps...
no subject
[Phew. Well, he doesn't know where to touch on Mikado's personal drama (and doesn't really want to, from the sounds of it) but he's glad he could help somehow.]
I'm glad to hear it. Please don't be afraid to come to me if you need to talk or vent, even if it is about me. I'd rather listen to you than let you stew in it. That goes for Sebastian too, of course.
no subject
[ Mikado can't help himself, just a little. ]
Someday I'm going to come up with some crazy random thing to just put everywhere out of place.
But thank you. I really appreciate it.
[ Maybe he shouldn't tempt Mikado or he will get the personal drama though... ]
Next time I'll talk to you directly.