[That? It takes Joseph a moment to know where to start with that.]
Okay. Slow down.
First of all, I'm sorry that you felt ignored at the time of that incident. I can't take responsibility for other peoples' reactions, but I can at least give you my own side.
The whole thing was an ugly mess, and I was handling it alone. Since you told me you weren't badly hurt, I sort of prioritized dealing with Demyx over checking in on you. I certainly should have checked in again, though. I'm sorry for that.
I guess I thought saying that I was still shaking got the point across, but I was also trying to put on a brave face publicly to make an announcement so people would know not to go there.
[ He blushes brighter, ducks his head, bites his lip. ]
But the whole thing felt really frustrating, because Faith still hates me for shooting Demyx, and other people who have heard about the situation treated it like that too. And I had to put all this work into reassuring other people about the whole thing? Zexion was scared that they'd BOTH get exiled somehow, as if Demyx's crime was his, and...
You're right, it was an ugly mess. But because of how Lord Navarro was pushing the whole thing about Demyx's mental state so hard and everyone was focused on him, I kind of wound up feeling like my story was never heard. And Undertaker did attack me and try to take my gun away while Demyx was still using his powers to attack me, and it was the first time I shot someone, and...
I guess I came out of it feeling like Demyx was the only one anyone cared about. That sounds really childish, doesn't it? I'm nineteen years old, I shouldn't be this childish about things...
I tend to believe what people tell me, Mikado. Not to mention we were speaking over text. Still, I do apologize for making you feel ignored then.
I'm a cop, not a paramedic, so my thoughts went fairly quickly to law enforcement. I still should have checked in on you or at least sent someone else to do so.
[Now, what even else to take apart in this...]
I can't speak for Faith or Zexion or anyone else but myself. But if it's still bothering you this much, you should bring it up with them.
That part is my fault, at least partially, I realize that. But um...
[ He looks up, nervously. ]
I think that in the future if there are decisions being made like that, it would probably be better if everyone involved got to make a full statement first? You told me you'd already gotten the gist of it, but when I was unable to tell my whole story because I was still scared, I didn't get another chance to do so.
So my side of the story went unheard. That's why I didn't know how to answer, when Amon brought it up sort of in terms of how justice could work here. Because I know you were doing your best, and everyone else was doing their best, but I think it's really important that everyone get their story heard.
Because I spoke about the whole thing on the network without having ever brought it up to you, and because Lord Navarro was upset, and Demyx was upset. I made a mess out of the whole thing months later instead of being honest about it at the time.
And... I didn't intend to do it. I wasn't like looking for an opportunity to do it. But Amon asked me about it, and it just came out.
You're really not mad at me? Everyone has been mad at me for everything I did here, I guess I thought I was on thin ice. I work really hard at making things and I've been trying to keep my head down, but it feels like every time I breathe someone is angry at me for being too weak or for dying or for not being able to fight back if someone hurts me without using weapons or for talking to the wrong people or having sex with the wrong people or other people posting videos of me on the network or-
[ Oh right, breathing. Breathing is important. Sorry about those tears, Boss. He didn't mean to. ]
[Oh god. Joseph tries not to sound as mildly panicked as he is.]
Mikado, there's nothing for me to be mad at you for. I appreciate your honesty. It's better to discuss things like that rather than sit on them and hold grudges.
[Not even sure where to go with the rest of that... what do you get up to around here, kid?]
I just... I thought in a new place like this... as hard as this place is to live in and as weird as the stuff that happens here is, I thought maybe I could learn to do things differently...
But it's just like at home, where everything turns into some kind of...
of...
war. Every time I turn around, it's everything that happens turning into an escalating series of attacks, whether it's verbal or physical or social or whatever it is, it's just...
I'm sorry, Mikado. I'm not quite sure what else to say, but I'm sorry.
You do a lot of good here, even if nobody realizes it. You feed and clothe a lot of people, and I always appreciate your help at the depot. Even if things don't go the way you expect them to, you still dedicate yourself to doing good around here. That's very important to remember.
I'm trying. It's just hard to know what's the best thing to do, in a situation like this.
I keep thinking I should be doing something more, taking some kind of leading role. But every attempt I make to step up to do something seems to result in more conflict instead of less.
[ He sniffles, wipes his eyes, trying to stop the tears and put himself in order. ]
Boss, do you think I'm weak? I've done everything I could to become strong enough to deal with this situation, and I've done everything I could to put myself into a situation to make sure that no one faded out or starved. But I still feel like everyone thinks I'm too weak to be trusted.
No. I don't think you're weak. I don't think anyone who's made it here as long as some of us have is weak.
[Joseph thinks he himself is weak, but that's a whole other can of worms.]
I know how it feels for people to make judgments about you and treat you accordingly. How people get an idea of you in their heads and decide that that's who you are, even if it has no basis in who you really are.
It's frustrating, and annoying. But there's little more to do about it than to keep trying to prove them wrong.
[ There's a big sigh of relief. There are so few of them who have been here all along left, really. And Mikado knows that shouldn't matter so much to him, but it kind of does. Maybe even more since he fell out with Monty, and everything that happened with Cecil. His shoulders slump, but it's more a release of tension than anything. ]
It just feels like it never ends.
[ He takes a couple of deep breaths, rubs at his eyes some more. ]
I just feel like I can't get anything started. I really like making things. It makes me feel helpful to be able to make sure that no one goes hungry or misses something they need. But some days it feels a little like not enough.
I know how you feel, feeling stuck in a rut like that.
But it's one of those things that I don't think is easy to see. Try to imagine what it would look like around here if we weren't donating our time and our energy. If we didn't make food and clothes for people who need them. If we charged, if we demanded payment or recompense for it all.
I like what we have now a lot better than anything I can imagine along those lines.
I know you're right. That would be really terrible. No one deserves to go hungry, and I still don't like the idea of anyone having to do sexual things in exchange, or use powers that are fueled off it, not directly like that.
It's just not very flashy though. It's really easy to kind of fade into the background of everyday life. It's not that I want everyone to pay attention all the time, I'm not saying that! But it just feels kind of weird to go from everything back home to this, especially when the community is kind of... umm...
I'm trying to think of a word that doesn't mean "everyone is absolutely insane and unstable" and failing.
[Joseph's wry sense of humor makes a brief appearance.]
It is hard, sometimes, when your way of helping others isn't very obvious or people don't recognize its importance. Or especially when you're villainized for it.
I try hard to put it in that perspective, though. If nobody was doing what I do, what would the world look like?
Well it might be missing some things but it'd be really organized..?
[ He bites his lip again, though, looking a little sheepish. ]
Um... thanks, boss. It really helps to know I'd be missed even if it's more in a professional way than a personal one. And... knowing that you have my back even when I sometimes make a mess of things really helps...
By color, shape, size, item name, and probably weight. And nobody could take anything until I was done. It's better this way.
[Phew. Well, he doesn't know where to touch on Mikado's personal drama (and doesn't really want to, from the sounds of it) but he's glad he could help somehow.]
I'm glad to hear it. Please don't be afraid to come to me if you need to talk or vent, even if it is about me. I'd rather listen to you than let you stew in it. That goes for Sebastian too, of course.
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no subject
Okay. Slow down.
First of all, I'm sorry that you felt ignored at the time of that incident. I can't take responsibility for other peoples' reactions, but I can at least give you my own side.
The whole thing was an ugly mess, and I was handling it alone. Since you told me you weren't badly hurt, I sort of prioritized dealing with Demyx over checking in on you. I certainly should have checked in again, though. I'm sorry for that.
no subject
[ He blushes brighter, ducks his head, bites his lip. ]
But the whole thing felt really frustrating, because Faith still hates me for shooting Demyx, and other people who have heard about the situation treated it like that too. And I had to put all this work into reassuring other people about the whole thing? Zexion was scared that they'd BOTH get exiled somehow, as if Demyx's crime was his, and...
You're right, it was an ugly mess. But because of how Lord Navarro was pushing the whole thing about Demyx's mental state so hard and everyone was focused on him, I kind of wound up feeling like my story was never heard. And Undertaker did attack me and try to take my gun away while Demyx was still using his powers to attack me, and it was the first time I shot someone, and...
I guess I came out of it feeling like Demyx was the only one anyone cared about. That sounds really childish, doesn't it? I'm nineteen years old, I shouldn't be this childish about things...
no subject
I'm a cop, not a paramedic, so my thoughts went fairly quickly to law enforcement. I still should have checked in on you or at least sent someone else to do so.
[Now, what even else to take apart in this...]
I can't speak for Faith or Zexion or anyone else but myself. But if it's still bothering you this much, you should bring it up with them.
no subject
[ He looks up, nervously. ]
I think that in the future if there are decisions being made like that, it would probably be better if everyone involved got to make a full statement first? You told me you'd already gotten the gist of it, but when I was unable to tell my whole story because I was still scared, I didn't get another chance to do so.
So my side of the story went unheard. That's why I didn't know how to answer, when Amon brought it up sort of in terms of how justice could work here. Because I know you were doing your best, and everyone else was doing their best, but I think it's really important that everyone get their story heard.
PLEASE-DON'T-FIRE-ME!
no subject
Yes, it would be better. You're right.
[Then comes a few moments of silence.]
Now why would I fire you, exactly?
no subject
And... I didn't intend to do it. I wasn't like looking for an opportunity to do it. But Amon asked me about it, and it just came out.
You're really not mad at me? Everyone has been mad at me for everything I did here, I guess I thought I was on thin ice. I work really hard at making things and I've been trying to keep my head down, but it feels like every time I breathe someone is angry at me for being too weak or for dying or for not being able to fight back if someone hurts me without using weapons or for talking to the wrong people or having sex with the wrong people or other people posting videos of me on the network or-
[ Oh right, breathing. Breathing is important. Sorry about those tears, Boss. He didn't mean to. ]
no subject
Mikado, there's nothing for me to be mad at you for. I appreciate your honesty. It's better to discuss things like that rather than sit on them and hold grudges.
[Not even sure where to go with the rest of that... what do you get up to around here, kid?]
Are you all right? Do you need to talk some more?
no subject
But it's just like at home, where everything turns into some kind of...
of...
war. Every time I turn around, it's everything that happens turning into an escalating series of attacks, whether it's verbal or physical or social or whatever it is, it's just...
I'm so tired.
And the thing I was fighting for is gone.
no subject
You do a lot of good here, even if nobody realizes it. You feed and clothe a lot of people, and I always appreciate your help at the depot. Even if things don't go the way you expect them to, you still dedicate yourself to doing good around here. That's very important to remember.
no subject
I keep thinking I should be doing something more, taking some kind of leading role. But every attempt I make to step up to do something seems to result in more conflict instead of less.
[ He sniffles, wipes his eyes, trying to stop the tears and put himself in order. ]
Boss, do you think I'm weak? I've done everything I could to become strong enough to deal with this situation, and I've done everything I could to put myself into a situation to make sure that no one faded out or starved. But I still feel like everyone thinks I'm too weak to be trusted.
no subject
[Joseph thinks he himself is weak, but that's a whole other can of worms.]
I know how it feels for people to make judgments about you and treat you accordingly. How people get an idea of you in their heads and decide that that's who you are, even if it has no basis in who you really are.
It's frustrating, and annoying. But there's little more to do about it than to keep trying to prove them wrong.
no subject
It just feels like it never ends.
[ He takes a couple of deep breaths, rubs at his eyes some more. ]
I just feel like I can't get anything started. I really like making things. It makes me feel helpful to be able to make sure that no one goes hungry or misses something they need. But some days it feels a little like not enough.
Do you really think it's enough that I do that?
no subject
But it's one of those things that I don't think is easy to see. Try to imagine what it would look like around here if we weren't donating our time and our energy. If we didn't make food and clothes for people who need them. If we charged, if we demanded payment or recompense for it all.
I like what we have now a lot better than anything I can imagine along those lines.
no subject
It's just not very flashy though. It's really easy to kind of fade into the background of everyday life. It's not that I want everyone to pay attention all the time, I'm not saying that! But it just feels kind of weird to go from everything back home to this, especially when the community is kind of... umm...
I'm trying to think of a word that doesn't mean "everyone is absolutely insane and unstable" and failing.
no subject
[Joseph's wry sense of humor makes a brief appearance.]
It is hard, sometimes, when your way of helping others isn't very obvious or people don't recognize its importance. Or especially when you're villainized for it.
I try hard to put it in that perspective, though. If nobody was doing what I do, what would the world look like?
no subject
[ Good job, Joseph, you made him laugh. He might look a little soggy still, but much better. ]
And I guess you're right. And there are enough people here we need everyone we can get to help, right? So if I stopped, it would be a problem.
no subject
[He smirks just a little bit.]
Your help has been invaluable. Remember that.
no subject
Well it might be missing some things but it'd be really organized..?
[ He bites his lip again, though, looking a little sheepish. ]
Um... thanks, boss. It really helps to know I'd be missed even if it's more in a professional way than a personal one. And... knowing that you have my back even when I sometimes make a mess of things really helps...
no subject
[Phew. Well, he doesn't know where to touch on Mikado's personal drama (and doesn't really want to, from the sounds of it) but he's glad he could help somehow.]
I'm glad to hear it. Please don't be afraid to come to me if you need to talk or vent, even if it is about me. I'd rather listen to you than let you stew in it. That goes for Sebastian too, of course.
no subject
[ Mikado can't help himself, just a little. ]
Someday I'm going to come up with some crazy random thing to just put everywhere out of place.
But thank you. I really appreciate it.
[ Maybe he shouldn't tempt Mikado or he will get the personal drama though... ]
Next time I'll talk to you directly.