[ Sebastian's never been what he'd consider psychic, but he's good at reading people, reading a situation, and it's been...awhile...since he saw much farther than up his own ass, he can admit that much even without a moment's clarity, but he still knows what Joseph looks like when he's about to burst with keeping something to himself he knows would be better off said. He's about two days overdue for whatever's boiling up and Seb's got a few good guesses what, and no good goddamn idea how that's going to go.
They still meet for breakfast, nearly every day, a ritual ingrained so deep that even though Joseph's had a fair amount of time here without him they fall back into it without even discussing. The past few have been...well, they've been awkward as fuck.
He's got a whole step and a half to contemplate how he's going to broach the subject, due to Joseph's door being right across the hall from his, and it's not until he knocks, not until the door opens, that he makes up his mind. ]
[Only two people would be knocking on Joseph's door at this hour, and somehow he just knows it's Sebastian before even answering. Normally it'd be the smell of cigarettes even through the door, but that's not the case this time. It's their normal time for breakfast, and Joseph's prepared for another nice, normal, totally awkward time.
Until Sebastian's suggestion- more of a demand than a question- catches Joseph so surprised he stands there blinking for a moment.]
Ah- all right.
[He's visibly a little nervous. Which is impressive, because Sebastian's rigid assertiveness and phrasing has him absolutely terrified of what this could be about.
It's not until they start walking that Joseph works up the courage to inquire further.] What's up?
He actually almost feels guilty for it, he knows it's a parallel statement to we need to talk, but he's probably given Joseph permission to shoot him if he ever tried to use that line on him, if memory serves. No good's ever come of it. And if talking was that easy, maybe they would have by now.
In his mind, the rest of the unspoken statement was more like, need a change of scenery, sick of sitting around...and instead it sounds like he's just initiated a death march.
Smooth as fuck, Sebastian, nice one. ]
Just wanted to get out. [ his lips kick up to one corner, but he doesn't look at Joseph. ]
Think better on my feet. [ fuck's sake. ]
Thought we'd eat out for a change. [ it almost sounds like a question. ]
[Talking is... not their strong suit, no. And everything Seb says convinces him more than there's something he's dying to talk about. You know it's bad when Sebastian fucking Castellanos is the one pushing for a conversation to happen. The worst part is, Joseph isn't sure what of about five or six different fraught topics is weighing on him.
Get what out?
Think about what...?
Oh, that's such an obvious Seb recovery line.
Should he just ask? Get it over with and pull off the band-aid? Is asking going to just irritate him? Is Joseph completely misreading this and this is a normal conversation and it's his own guilt catching up with him? Guilt about one of those five or six different fraught topics? Every second he spends not saying anything makes this worse and now the silence is awkward, and it weighs a thousand pounds and neither of them are saying anything-]
I really like how they've designed the garden. [Oh, nice. That's such an obvious Joseph recovery line. But he absolutely can't bring himself to just cut to the heart of the matter. Whatever the matter. If there even is one.]
[ Except it's out loud this time, exasperated and affectionate at once, and absolutely reflexive.
Maybe he's been wound a little tighter than he's wanted to admit, too. Just maybe.
He glances up at the sky like there are any answers to be found there, and drags a hand down his face, a mirthless, quiet huff escaping him. He attempts to gentle his tone, in a way he wouldn't normally for Joseph, because it's been a long, long time since he worried about how Joseph was going to read him, for a variety of reasons. Always trust, then friendship, then something sharp and dark and festering, and now because he can damn near physically feel the discomfort rolling off his partner and he can't just... Act like he's ignoring it, anymore. His fucking outburst did him that solid. ]
You gonna tell me what's on your mind or do I have to hear about why that purple flower is both invasive and medicinal again?
[Also reflexive: Joseph's brow crinkling, irritated at being "Christ"-ed for what feels at once like no good reason, and a very good reason. Almost as if Sebastian can somehow read his mind and how worked up he is about this.]
Me? You're the one who said we needed to talk. [Okay, he didn't say that, not in so many words, but we all know what "let's talk a walk" means, don't we?
But hey, while we're at it, if Sebastian really wants to know what's on his mind...]
Look. All we do is stare at each other in awkward silence all morning, and I'm tired of it. Ever since the- the other day...
[ Sebastian wouldn't read minds if you paid him, no matter how much it'd probably have helped in some investigations. But he likes the challenge of it, thrives on it, even, figuring out the puzzles that people present (the only kinds of puzzles he enjoys) even when he doesn't have all the pieces.
Joseph is a different kind of puzzle entirely, but it wouldn't take a genius or a best friend to see he's been uncomfortable, to understate by a hefty margin.
He wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know.
And there it is. ]
Yeah?
[ "Didn't seem to mind staring the other day" is the first thought he physically swallows back, runs a hand through his hair just to make sure it stays down. The next few thoughts are just as "kind," just as ready to pick a fight.
He stops walking, stands there for a moment like he's wrestling with something internally, and he is. He is. He's not usually much of a fidgeter, but it's been on his mind, the way he spins the ring on his finger without realizing, eyes locked on Joseph. ]
[Joseph can't read minds either, but he can read body language. And he absolutely doesn't know what to make of Sebastian's. The stillness. The way he looks when he's thinking. Toying with his wedding ring at the same time as he asks what Joseph wants him to say.
For a moment, that last action reads to him as a challenge. A reminder. And it genuinely terrifies him, making his face go visibly pale. He knows Sebastian will notice, too.]
I don't want you to say anything. I just- ['Want you to say you're okay with me?' 'Thought you were only into women?' 'Have wanted you like a pathetic fucking loser for a decade and realized it's not out of the realm of possibility- oh right, except for your wife?']
I didn't... I just didn't expect we'd ever... see each other like that.
[ Jesus H Christ tapdancing on a cracker, is that what this is about?
There are...multiple false starts to his attempt to say anything and he's visibly frustrated by the time he manages. ]
Yeah, well, me neither. [ Fuck's. Sake. ]
Sorry you had to see that.
[ Because that's what this is about, right? Seeing Sebastian on his worst behavior ever? Sure, Joseph was right there in the thick of things, but the only thing really surprising about that was the public nature. It doesn't take more than 0.5 seconds of knowing the man to see he's intensely private. Goes to show whatever was in the wine was...sure something. If only he could just blame that. But the fact that he's still drinking proves otherwise.
Never even mind the things he's still not sure he wasn't imagining. Like exactly how...deliberate Joseph might have been in observing. And what that says about him that he's more than a little torn about what he hopes the answer is. It's the last thing on his mind right now, truthfully. He's feeling enough guilt without dragging Joseph into his fucked up...fucking up. ]
[As Seb gets more frustrated, Joseph looks more confused. Then at the end there, dismayed. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?]
What do you mean by that? [He manages to ask very evenly, despite how ruffled he looks.] I was- I don't know if you even noticed, Seb, but I wasn't exactly upset watching you. Or after that when I-
[Yeah, he should probably be honest, but that bit of honesty feels a little too honest. Because now he's turning pink.]
I just- I can't believe it never came up but it's true, I guess I never told you that I'm-- bisexual. I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm some kind of freak.
[ What's happening to Sebastian's brain right now is something the kids call "blue screen"ing. Joseph is saying a lot of words and they're not what he was expecting at all and he's realizing, much slower than he should've, that they have once again been having somewhat parallel conversations without being on the same page at all.
There's a phrase or two that'll come back to him later, and he's not thinking about that right now, but he can swallow down that it isn't judgement, and the relief from that staggers him in a way he can't articulate. ]
What the hell, Joseph? [ quiet, exasperated, desperately fond. ]
The hell are you sorry for? [ he shakes his head. ]
Who you want to fuck is your business. And I think you've seen I don't have a stone to throw.
[ He's never really put it in so many words, and even now calling himself bisexual isn't familiar. But he sure as fuck isn't repulsed by the idea. ]
Because it's been 10 years, Seb. And you looked so surprised and... upset, maybe. I thought- it seemed like I was lying to you all along but I guess it really just never came up.
[Ah yes. The old Castellanos-Oda Conundrum. Two smart men, detectives, so busy reading into one another's every word and action that they fail to understand what the other is really saying.
Does he really have to phrase it like "who you want to fuck?" But Joseph does relax minutely when it turns out Sebastian isn't even upset about that. (Then what WAS he upset about? asks an urgent voice, now spinning out of pocket in the back of Joseph's head.)
He's right though. Joseph saw that very much. In intense detail. Which has been replaying in his subconscious constantly ever since.]
I admit, I was surprised to see you with another guy but I don't know why I was. We've never really been open about that kind of thing, but... You've always been so charismatic. [Joseph is operating on a very specific definition of "charismatic" here, but he clearly, absolutely believes this fact about his partner. God bless him.]
[ Ten years ago it would've been some kind of telling if Joseph had...confessed this to Seb. And he would've taken it in confidence and never told a soul. But all the same, from his deeply private partner, Sebastian hadn't even considered that this was something that would be eating at the man. ]
It's not like you had a good reason to tell me, right? I'm not upset. I'm— [ Not surprised, not upset, not confused, well, a little confused why this is what's been eating Joseph alive specifically— ] —Sorry this is why we're talking about it.
[ "This" being a fucking drugged up orgy of a party he barely remembers arriving to. He reaches up to scratch the back of his neck, awkwardness and a phantom itch alike sparking the gesture as he chuckles to himself. Charismatic. The fuck, Joseph, of all people, you're supposed to know what words mean... ]
I'd never really...thought about it before. [ And yeah, he looks incredibly awkward about that confession, and attempts to shrug it off. ] But I guess that's...out.
It's not as though I thought you'd be angry or disapproving, nothing like that. [Sebastian isn't that kind of person.] I really didn't have any reason. Let's face it... [He says flatly, with no shortage of wry self-deprecation.] It certainly wasn't about to come up with regards to my personal life...
[He ends up chuckling too, offering Sebastian an awkward little smile of his own at the pun.]
Friends for ten years, and there's still things left to learn about ourselves, huh?
[Now comes the absolutely crushing problem that Joseph has no idea where the conversation goes from here, or if he had any point in bringing it up apart from just clearing the air.]
[ There might not have been a point beyond “clearing the air” but if it means they can breathe a little easier around each other, it was worth it. This wasn't the only barrier between them, just... the most recent one, far as Seb can tell. At least it could be cleared up by talking about it. Eventually. It's worth the introspection to see Joseph smile like that, even if it's just a little.
There wasn't much distance between them to begin with, but he closes it to set his hand gently on Joseph's shoulder, squeezes it a little more firmly than necessary, but not maliciously, and doesn't pull his hand back immediately. ]
It's a good thing, right? Little mystery to keep things interesting.
[ Evidence for the existence of God presents itself in the next moment as Sebastian takes the breath to jokingly say something he'd deeply, deeply regret the instant it was aloud, and manages to realize it before doing so. Instead he just squeezes Joseph's shoulder again. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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{ because I found a better one }
a "few days" after the "Bacchanalia"
They still meet for breakfast, nearly every day, a ritual ingrained so deep that even though Joseph's had a fair amount of time here without him they fall back into it without even discussing. The past few have been...well, they've been awkward as fuck.
He's got a whole step and a half to contemplate how he's going to broach the subject, due to Joseph's door being right across the hall from his, and it's not until he knocks, not until the door opens, that he makes up his mind. ]
How about we take a walk.
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Until Sebastian's suggestion- more of a demand than a question- catches Joseph so surprised he stands there blinking for a moment.]
Ah- all right.
[He's visibly a little nervous. Which is impressive, because Sebastian's rigid assertiveness and phrasing has him absolutely terrified of what this could be about.
It's not until they start walking that Joseph works up the courage to inquire further.] What's up?
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He actually almost feels guilty for it, he knows it's a parallel statement to we need to talk, but he's probably given Joseph permission to shoot him if he ever tried to use that line on him, if memory serves. No good's ever come of it. And if talking was that easy, maybe they would have by now.
In his mind, the rest of the unspoken statement was more like, need a change of scenery, sick of sitting around...and instead it sounds like he's just initiated a death march.
Smooth as fuck, Sebastian, nice one. ]
Just wanted to get out. [ his lips kick up to one corner, but he doesn't look at Joseph. ]
Think better on my feet. [ fuck's sake. ]
Thought we'd eat out for a change. [ it almost sounds like a question. ]
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[Talking is... not their strong suit, no. And everything Seb says convinces him more than there's something he's dying to talk about. You know it's bad when Sebastian fucking Castellanos is the one pushing for a conversation to happen. The worst part is, Joseph isn't sure what of about five or six different fraught topics is weighing on him.
Get what out?
Think about what...?
Oh, that's such an obvious Seb recovery line.
Should he just ask? Get it over with and pull off the band-aid? Is asking going to just irritate him? Is Joseph completely misreading this and this is a normal conversation and it's his own guilt catching up with him? Guilt about one of those five or six different fraught topics? Every second he spends not saying anything makes this worse and now the silence is awkward, and it weighs a thousand pounds and neither of them are saying anything-]
I really like how they've designed the garden. [Oh, nice. That's such an obvious Joseph recovery line. But he absolutely can't bring himself to just cut to the heart of the matter. Whatever the matter. If there even is one.]
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[ Except it's out loud this time, exasperated and affectionate at once, and absolutely reflexive.
Maybe he's been wound a little tighter than he's wanted to admit, too. Just maybe.
He glances up at the sky like there are any answers to be found there, and drags a hand down his face, a mirthless, quiet huff escaping him. He attempts to gentle his tone, in a way he wouldn't normally for Joseph, because it's been a long, long time since he worried about how Joseph was going to read him, for a variety of reasons. Always trust, then friendship, then something sharp and dark and festering, and now because he can damn near physically feel the discomfort rolling off his partner and he can't just... Act like he's ignoring it, anymore. His fucking outburst did him that solid. ]
You gonna tell me what's on your mind or do I have to hear about why that purple flower is both invasive and medicinal again?
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Me? You're the one who said we needed to talk. [Okay, he didn't say that, not in so many words, but we all know what "let's talk a walk" means, don't we?
But hey, while we're at it, if Sebastian really wants to know what's on his mind...]
Look. All we do is stare at each other in awkward silence all morning, and I'm tired of it. Ever since the- the other day...
[Yeah. That.]
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Joseph is a different kind of puzzle entirely, but it wouldn't take a genius or a best friend to see he's been uncomfortable, to understate by a hefty margin.
He wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know.
And there it is. ]
Yeah?
[ "Didn't seem to mind staring the other day" is the first thought he physically swallows back, runs a hand through his hair just to make sure it stays down. The next few thoughts are just as "kind," just as ready to pick a fight.
He stops walking, stands there for a moment like he's wrestling with something internally, and he is. He is. He's not usually much of a fidgeter, but it's been on his mind, the way he spins the ring on his finger without realizing, eyes locked on Joseph. ]
What do you want me to say?
[ God he's a fucking coward. ]
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For a moment, that last action reads to him as a challenge. A reminder. And it genuinely terrifies him, making his face go visibly pale. He knows Sebastian will notice, too.]
I don't want you to say anything. I just- ['Want you to say you're okay with me?' 'Thought you were only into women?' 'Have wanted you like a pathetic fucking loser for a decade and realized it's not out of the realm of possibility- oh right, except for your wife?']
I didn't... I just didn't expect we'd ever... see each other like that.
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There are...multiple false starts to his attempt to say anything and he's visibly frustrated by the time he manages. ]
Yeah, well, me neither. [ Fuck's. Sake. ]
Sorry you had to see that.
[ Because that's what this is about, right? Seeing Sebastian on his worst behavior ever? Sure, Joseph was right there in the thick of things, but the only thing really surprising about that was the public nature. It doesn't take more than 0.5 seconds of knowing the man to see he's intensely private. Goes to show whatever was in the wine was...sure something. If only he could just blame that. But the fact that he's still drinking proves otherwise.
Never even mind the things he's still not sure he wasn't imagining. Like exactly how...deliberate Joseph might have been in observing. And what that says about him that he's more than a little torn about what he hopes the answer is. It's the last thing on his mind right now, truthfully. He's feeling enough guilt without dragging Joseph into his fucked up...fucking up. ]
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What do you mean by that? [He manages to ask very evenly, despite how ruffled he looks.] I was- I don't know if you even noticed, Seb, but I wasn't exactly upset watching you. Or after that when I-
[Yeah, he should probably be honest, but that bit of honesty feels a little too honest. Because now he's turning pink.]
I just- I can't believe it never came up but it's true, I guess I never told you that I'm-- bisexual. I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm some kind of freak.
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There's a phrase or two that'll come back to him later, and he's not thinking about that right now, but he can swallow down that it isn't judgement, and the relief from that staggers him in a way he can't articulate. ]
What the hell, Joseph? [ quiet, exasperated, desperately fond. ]
The hell are you sorry for? [ he shakes his head. ]
Who you want to fuck is your business. And I think you've seen I don't have a stone to throw.
[ He's never really put it in so many words, and even now calling himself bisexual isn't familiar. But he sure as fuck isn't repulsed by the idea. ]
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[Ah yes. The old Castellanos-Oda Conundrum. Two smart men, detectives, so busy reading into one another's every word and action that they fail to understand what the other is really saying.
Does he really have to phrase it like "who you want to fuck?" But Joseph does relax minutely when it turns out Sebastian isn't even upset about that. (Then what WAS he upset about? asks an urgent voice, now spinning out of pocket in the back of Joseph's head.)
He's right though. Joseph saw that very much. In intense detail. Which has been replaying in his subconscious constantly ever since.]
I admit, I was surprised to see you with another guy but I don't know why I was. We've never really been open about that kind of thing, but... You've always been so charismatic. [Joseph is operating on a very specific definition of "charismatic" here, but he clearly, absolutely believes this fact about his partner. God bless him.]
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It's not like you had a good reason to tell me, right? I'm not upset. I'm— [ Not surprised, not upset, not confused, well, a little confused why this is what's been eating Joseph alive specifically— ] —Sorry this is why we're talking about it.
[ "This" being a fucking drugged up orgy of a party he barely remembers arriving to. He reaches up to scratch the back of his neck, awkwardness and a phantom itch alike sparking the gesture as he chuckles to himself. Charismatic. The fuck, Joseph, of all people, you're supposed to know what words mean... ]
I'd never really...thought about it before. [ And yeah, he looks incredibly awkward about that confession, and attempts to shrug it off. ] But I guess that's...out.
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[He ends up chuckling too, offering Sebastian an awkward little smile of his own at the pun.]
Friends for ten years, and there's still things left to learn about ourselves, huh?
[Now comes the absolutely crushing problem that Joseph has no idea where the conversation goes from here, or if he had any point in bringing it up apart from just clearing the air.]
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There wasn't much distance between them to begin with, but he closes it to set his hand gently on Joseph's shoulder, squeezes it a little more firmly than necessary, but not maliciously, and doesn't pull his hand back immediately. ]
It's a good thing, right? Little mystery to keep things interesting.
[ Evidence for the existence of God presents itself in the next moment as Sebastian takes the breath to jokingly say something he'd deeply, deeply regret the instant it was aloud, and manages to realize it before doing so. Instead he just squeezes Joseph's shoulder again. ]
Come on. Let's get breakfast.